Scrolling through social media and you see the latest pregnancy announcement. What’s your first reaction? Heart racing? Palms getting sweaty? The longer we’re on the journey, the more of these we experience. We start to engage in a new battle and that battle’s in our minds with thoughts that come so easily.
A big one is “I’m happy for them, sad for me”.
It seems at the time like a helpful statement that allows us to feel like we’re expressing happiness for someone. Usually, it’s something we say in the privacy of our own minds.
Have you ever said it out loud?
How does it sound when you verbalise this statement? What part of it resonates with you? – that may be the first time we can say that out loud. It’s an important first step.
However, if we’re not genuinely happy for another person having what we want, telling ourselves we’re happy for them doesn’t really help in the ultimate sense. It may help us feel better in the moment, feel better about having that sick punched in the stomach feeling.
But deep down when we know we’re not happy and we feel bad about it, then we feel bad about feeling bad. We can feel like horrible people because we don’t feel happy about someone else’s pregnancy. It’s the sign we need to let us know that we have grief that needs to be attended to.
Getting stuck
The phrase keeps us stuck in a thought cycle that communicates inauthentic or false happiness and fixating on our personal sadness. We tend to get stuck on the ‘sad for me’ part. It’s the last thing we say so it tends to be the thought that sticks.
It’s true that we’re sad, we’re not about to start denying it, but having this specific phrase on repeat isn’t helpful because we can end up a very narrowed focus.
In my opinion, this isn’t a time when mindfulness practices of noticing the thought and letting it pass by is particularly helpful, as they pass by, they also return around the next time. This is a time for active re-directing if we want to free ourselves from this perpetual thought trap.
What does help:
Attending to our grief. Try processing emotions by journaling, talking with a trusted friend or expression through a creative outlet.
Acknowledging what is painful for you, understanding the gravity of your loss/es you’ve experienced.
Processing your emotions, not hiding from them or trying to numb them.
Try modifying the thought/ statement. Say “happy for them”. Stop. “Their path is their path, mine is mine”.
Dialectic thinking (and/but statements) can be helpful in both acknowledging our emotions and directing our thinking. Eg. “She gets to having a baby and I’m progressing in my healing”, “I’m feeling really hurt right now but I have a plan to process my feelings”. Have a go at making your own dialectic statement.
Being intentional about filling your mind with positive things. Try getting lost in a good book or listen to your favourite music that you know is going to boost your mood.
A note about emotions involved in infertility and being childless.
It’s important to understand that emotions connected to infertility and childless grief can be intense, are real (meaning the person is really experiencing them) and serve an important purpose.
That purpose is to indicate there’s an issue that needs to be addressed. But that doesn’t necessarily mean the idea attached to the emotion is true.
Often emotions cause a visceral response like crying, a racing heart and clammy hands.
When we don’t or can’t make a connection between our thought patterns and the behaviour that follows it can feel almost like we’ve become a slave to them or are at the mercy of whichever emotion comes next. We can be left feeling out of control and very vulnerable.
Emotions like anger, jealously and sadness are like hazard signs at road works. They’re alerting us to something coming ahead, something that we need to navigate and take care around.
The difference with emotions is that while there for a reason, often there’s very little reason to believe they are true statements about our reality. This is why keeping a close eye on (having awareness of and evaluating) the thoughts we tell ourselves on repeat is a wise practice.
Being unable to have children is a unique grief that's both gut-wrenchingly grieving and often misunderstood. Mourning the losses of your fertility and everything you’ve gone through on your journey is important and often a need that’s hidden from society.
I know it can be hard to find someone to talk to who understands and won’t try to 'fix' things that can't be fixed. Most of us are past the point of toxic optimism by this time.
Mourning the losses of infertility is a complicated task but it can be done well and leave women feeling free and ready to move forward into a hopeful future.
AP Counselling is for Women who are Childless after; infertility, secondary infertility, IVF and Circumstances of Life. Being Childless Not By Choice is not a death sentence. It affords us an opportunity to take a step back, evaluate everything that’s happened so far and move forward with your life.
P.S.
If you're ready to talk to someone about what’s been going on for you, book a free 15-minute consultation call to discuss your needs. You can decide if us working together is a good fit for you. Connect with me here.
P.P.S.
Big Hugs to you on your journey
Anna
AP Counselling