Strategies to promote healing and set valuable goals as Mother's Day 2023 approaches.
Many women are heavily grieving the fact they haven’t been, currently aren’t and may never be mums. Thank goodness this day only comes around once a year, how could we handle anymore? How to survive Mother's Day 2023 being Childless.
We’ve all seen the social media posts that so sensitively address all the reasons why Mother’s Day isn’t a happy day for many, I’m grateful for them.
We know the reasons vary widely from person to person, but the thread of grief runs through the hearts of us all.
Maybe you’ve come to the end of a brutal battle with infertility. Maybe life didn’t work out the way you planned; problems with partners, careers, extended seasons of singleness and chronic illness all play their part and take their toll. Time seems to march on without us and we can’t get it back.
Whatever’s happened in your life to get you to this point, please know that you’re not alone. You matter and your worth doesn’t depend one bit on being a mother. I know it feels like it does.
You matter because you’re you. Whichever label you choose; involuntarily childless, childfree or childless not by choice, please know that you’re part of a loving community which really does rally around one another, especially on days like Mother’s day 2023.
I’m glad we’re starting to see such a shift in focus on social media, that posts are becoming more compassionate and sensitive. But it doesn’t mean spending time on social media in the week leading up to the holiday is a good idea.
What is a good idea is spending serious time reflecting on areas of our lives that need to be healed and identifying what hopes, dreams and goals are possible for the future.
Healing is important AND looking forward is important too. They’re the two wings of the same bird.
This is ultimately how we’re going to survive Mother’s Day.
We don’t want to just survive this day but thrive every other day of the year too.
Take your time as you work through the questions below. Some questions might feel confronting and that’s ok.
Sit with them a while.
Mull them over.
Come back time and time again.
The idea is to reflect on areas that might need to be healed as well as casting a vision toward the future.
Ideas for reflection and promoting healing.
Questions to ask myself:
1. Is there any action or event in my childless journey that I haven’t forgiven myself for? Is there anyone I need to forgive?
2. Is there any action or event in my childless journey that I’m holding onto anger about?
3. Is there an action or event in my childless journey that I haven’t accepted? Is there still something I’m holding out hope will happen or change?
Action Ideas:
1. Make a list of the people I need to forgive, including myself. Make a start with the easiest one today.
2. If I’ve found something I’m still angry about, today I’ll find a trusted friend to talk about it with.
3. If there’s something I’m still holding out hope for list 3 pros and 3 cons of taking this hope with me into the next year of my life. Evaluate with a trusted friend.
Ideas for visualising and setting valuable goals for the future.
Questions to ask myself:
1. Looking at my future, can I identify what my biggest fear is? Is it connected to being childless or something else?
2. If I didn’t have that fear in my life anymore, how would I feel different?
3. If that fear was gone and I felt differently, what is one big thing I’d love to do?
Action Ideas:
1. Write, draw or find an image the big thing I’d love to do. Stick it on my mirror or on the fridge. What else can I put on my list? What have I been putting off, think I don’t deserve or have been too scared to try?
2. Thinking of that big thing, what’s one thing I can do this month to move toward that dream? Write it down. Thinking of my smaller ideas, how can I make them SMART goals? (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Timely).
3. Unrelated to my big dream – what little thing can I do today that sparks joy? How can I make this a daily habit?
Being unable to have children is a unique grief that's both gut-wrenchingly grieving and often misunderstood. Mourning the losses of your fertility and everything you’ve gone through on your journey is really important and often a need that’s hidden from society.
I know it can be hard to find someone to talk to who understands and won’t try to 'fix' things that can't be fixed. Most of us are past the point of toxic optimism by this time.
Mourning the losses of infertility is a complicated task but it can be done well and leave women feeling free and ready to move forward into a hopeful future.
AP Counselling is for Women who are Childless after; infertility, secondary infertility, IVF and Circumstances of Life. Being Childless Not By Choice is not a death sentence. It affords us an opportunity to take a step back, evaluate everything that’s happened so far and move forward with your life.
P.S.
If you're ready to talk to someone about what’s been going on for you, book a free 15-minute consultation call to discuss your needs. You can decide if us working together is a good fit for you. Connect with me here.
PPS.
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Big Hugs to you on your journey
Anna
AP Counselling